By: Camille Ko

Perfectionism can be a blessing and a curse. At its best, it inspires amazing work that fills people with accomplishment and fulfillment. At its worst, it can send people into anxious spirals where nothing gets done despite piling deadlines.

I’ve come a long way in my own personal journey with anxiety and perfectionism. I used to have a crippling need to always perform my best. Starting projects felt so intimidating that they felt impossible to complete. Oftentimes, I would get so hung up on the expectations I set for myself that I sunk into an avoidance spirals. I’m still very far from where I would like to be – in fact, my perfectionistic tendencies caused this exact blog post to be finished waaay later than it was supposed to. But, over time, I’ve learned that, despite what perfectionism would have me believe, there’s no singular perfect way towards progress.

While there’s no one, full-proof method to kicking perfectionistic tendencies, combating them requires a combination of intense introspection and lifestyle habits. The former can be an abstract process that’s unique to every person; the latter, however, is something that is more tangible. In no particular order, here is a list of the behaviors that I’ve used to help curb my perfectionism.

How I Overcome Perfectionism

1) Don’t restrict yourself to one record-keeping method

Tell me if this sounds familiar. You buy a brand new, Moleskine journal that you promise to fill with gorgeously detailed monthly and weekly calendar spreads. After a couple weeks of doing this, you accidentally leave your journal at home, and it never sees the light of day again. Or, you download a new task-managing app on your phone and spend hours figuring out your optimal layout and organizing color scheme. Then, after all this planning, you stop using the app and never use it again.

Perfectionism tries to trap you with the idea that there is a “superior” method of doing things. All you have to do is find out what it is, and then everything will magically fall into place. However, the reality is, there is no one “right” way, and our preferences are subject to frequent change. Try not to restrict yourself to one method of keeping track of things.

Aesthetically, I’m a fickle person who always has wandering eyes for the newest, trendiest organizational method. So I just go with the flow. Some weeks I like to write things down in a journal, and other times I mix it up with different apps. Many times, I get lazy and fall back on using good old Sticky Notes. However, try not to go too crazy – stick with one task-managing method per week so that you don’t lose track of where you wrote things down.

2) Making lists (and not exhausting yourself while making them!)

Making lists is fun. Making lists is simple. And most importantly, making lists makes you feel productive.

But, if you’re like me, making lists can be a disguise for perfectionistic procrastination. Struck with sudden productivity, you sit down and start listing out all the work, school, or personal projects you have to complete. You want to make this list juuust right, so after outlining your initial tasks, you decide you want to make it prettier and more streamlined. Before you know it, you’ve over-indulged your ambitiousness and migrated from a simple written list to a full on Excel sheet, intricate Trello board, or color-coded journal entry. Suddenly, you’ve spent so much time making your list that you don’t have enough time or energy for the tasks on said list.

This is the same trap of perfectionism from the first step. It’s tempting to try to make a beautifully organized list under the illusion that it will somehow make you more productive. While there’s nothing wrong with investing time into making pretty or streamlined lists, you need to be realistic with how much time you invest in those tasks. If spending this much time is important to you, then budget your time accordingly. For most perfectionists, however, this listing habit is more of a method of delaying working on the more overwhelming task of the actual work. Don’t lose sight of the forest for the trees – the important thing is to keep track of your schedule and your tasks, not get lost on how to do those things.

3) Having a short set of easy tasks that help you feel accomplished

One of the most debilitating parts of perfectionism is how it conflates your issues surrounding a single project with your overall ability to do things. For example, because you’re struggling to finish an English paper, you feel as if you’re inept at completing any assignment.

What’s helped me tackle this part of perfectionism is having a small set of 2 to 3 easy, one-step tasks that I complete every day. Tasks like this should be simple, like making your bed, cleaning off your desk, your filling up your water bottle twice a day. Even though they may seem small, these tasks can serve as a reminder of your daily progress and a gentle counterargument against the negativity of perfectionism.

4) Breaking down large tasks into smaller, shorter chunks

So this one is a mainstay in most productivity blogs. In fact, it was such a common piece of advice that I used to brush it off as “too simple” of a solution. However, this really did prove to be a game changer for me. By breaking down a bigger project into smaller tasks, work becomes more manageable and less intimidating. Perfectionism is obsessed with the “perfectness” of the final product. So, if you organize large objectives into smaller steps, that overwhelming, detail-obsessed aspect of the anxiety monster won’t flare up as much.

Personally, I have two different methods of breaking down big tasks: weekly and longer-than-weekly. For the former, on every Sunday, I set aside some time to write down all the projects I need to complete by the end of the week. After writing all of them out, I break them down into smaller steps and portion those steps out across different days over the week. For big, month-long projects, I sit down and outline what the expectations for the final product before breaking down the project into smaller chunks.

5) Limit how many tasks you put on your daily to-do list

The ambitiousness that comes with perfectionism can make people overestimate their ability to finish things by a certain deadline. I know I’ve been guilty of creating lists with 20 plus tasks that I somehow expect myself to complete without factoring sleep or meal times.

Try to set a hard limit on the amount of tasks you can put on your to-do list. This will force you to more effectively spread out the smaller sub-tasks from Step 3 across several days. For myself, I try to limit my to-do list to 5 to 10 things per day. I include meetings and appointments in this list, considering that those can be big time investments. If I have a hard time deciding which tasks I should do today and which ones I should reschedule for later in the week, I list them all out on a separate page and then figure out which ones have higher priority.

Also, if you can’t complete all of the items on your to-do list or fall slightly behind on a project – that’s totally okay! Life is unpredictable, and things happen that throw off our schedules. If you find yourself consistently not finishing things, especially if you keep pushing off the same task, sit down and try to figure out why. Did you lowball the amount of time it would take you to complete? Are you confused about how to complete this part of the project and need to ask for help? Is this task complicated and you need to break it down into smaller chunks?

6) Take breaks!

Nagging you to get things right, perfectionism can get you caught up in long hours of uninterrupted work. However, work fatigue ultimately ups your stress and decreases your quality of focus over time. Breaks are incredibly important, and studies (here, here and here) have shown that taking more frequent breaks actually increases productivity over time.

The frequency with which you take breaks is a matter of personal preference. Many people like to use the Pomodoro method, which breaks down work cycles into four cycles of 25 minutes. After each 25-minute work cycle, you can take a 3 to 5 minute break. After you’ve finished your fourth work cycle, you can take a 15 to 30 minute break. Personally, I like to work in 30 minute to 1 hour chunks and take 15 to 20 minute breaks in between. Regardless of how you decide to space out your breaks, try to avoid doing multi-hour marathons of straight studying or work.

However, not all breaks are created equal. Try to avoid taking breaks that involve you staring at your phone or computer screen, since these kinds of breaks cause eye-strain and fatigue. While binging YouTube and scrolling through Reddit might feel relaxing, these won’t refresh your brain in the same way as time away from electronics will. Try to introduce some kind of movement to these breaks to get the blood flowing.

One of my old therapists gave me a gem of advice: write down a set list of breaks that get you away from your computer that are based on different chunks of time. For example:

15 minute breaks:

Get and drink a glass of water
Make yourself some tea
Meditate

30 minute breaks:

Go for a short walk around the neighborhood
Do some light stretching
Grab a quick snack

These breaks can cover any time period you want, depending on your personal preference. But try to separate them into two sets at a minimum, with one for shorter and one for longer breaks.

7) Just START!

I know, I KNOW. Gee thanks, Camille, why didn’t I think of that? *Insert Condescending Willy Wonka meme here*

As trite and cliche as this advice sounds, it’s also ultimately the biggest step in tackling the hangups around perfectionism. Perfectionism is your mind trying to trick you into not bothering. So ultimately, the only way to move past that trap is to start working.

However, I’ve found that just forcing myself to start projects doesn’t work by itself. To me, that feels like the equivalent of telling someone to “get over” their anxiousness. I need to prime my thoughts with a few key positive reminders before I can begin. In fact, I used the affirmations below to help me write this very blog post!

Value effort, not results

The illusion of perfectionism is that it that you should value the final product over everything else. Thus, if the blood, sweat, and tears that you pour into something yields a poor result, then all that time was wasted. However, if you value the time that you put into a project as a learning experience, then regardless of the result, your time was well-spent.

The skill you’re working on improving is “finishing”

“Finishing” tasks and projects is a skill that takes practice to get good at. Things that we don’t finish are often left unresolved in our minds, making it harder for us to move on and learn from them. For example, if you’re learning how to play tennis and stop your racket mid-swing, you don’t really learn how to swing your racket. Similarly, instead of focusing on doing a perfect job at a particular task, try to perfect the skill of “finishing” that task in the first place.

Give yourself permission to suck
Failure and mistakes teach us important lessons. The idea of your personal “perfect” standard is always changing, and your current level of “perfect” is not going to even be close to as good as you’ll be with more practice. Even if you don’t finish things perfectly, your ability to do those things will get better. There’s always room for improvement, but finishing something is still worth it.

I hope these tips help you in your journey to wrangle your perfectionism into a tool that helps rather than hurts you. It will take a lot of experimentation and trial-and-error, but by taking things one step at a time, you’ll get there.

About the Author

Camille Ko

Camille is a 24-year-old who’s still figuring out life, but having a pretty good time trying on a bunch of different hats in the meantime. A Korean-American with a weak spice tolerance and an even weaker will power with sweets, she’s excited to join the AMHC team and all it’s memey professional glory! Through her blogs, Camille hopes to share the helpful tips she’s picked up in her own mental health journey and to encourage more compassionate, open-minded dialogue about mental health.

By: Em Wong

No, it’s not a typo.

So, recently I’ve been reading heaps of personal finance blogs. I’ve started my first grown-up job and am looking into investing for my future. (I aim to live off my investment profits by 40. FIRE, anyone?) All this has got me thinking about how the concepts of investing and growing financial wealth can transfer to… mental health. Let’s talk about investing in your mental health so it pays dividends in the future!

Turning Mental Health into Mental Wealth

1. Know your values when you set up your budget (your mental budget, that is)

Follow along with me on this metaphor. You have mental currency that you earn and spend. To be mentally wealthy, you’ve got to budget and invest well. So what are your needs? What’s important to you? What makes you feel fulfilled and happy? That’s where you should spend your mental currency – aka your attention, time and energy. Work out what aspects of your life uphold your values, and what don’t. Are you spending too much on energy drains and unnecessary purchases? Alter your budget as required. Know where your mental currency is going. Be more intentional in your budget. Focus on quality, versatility and joy. Marie Kondo your budget, Marie Kondo your life.

2. Beware the comparison trap – where are your spending impulses coming from?

We all know the dangers of Instagram – from enticing you to buy future clutter… to bombarding you with pretty people and FOMO. For those aspirational impulse spenders out there – you can change how you use social media. Unfollow, unlike, mute, delete. It’s a little harder in real life, but we can be aware of people and situations that mentally drain us. If you find yourself trying reaching for an impossible standard – stop and ask why. Who is pressuring you to be someone you’re not? Make some healthy swaps. A little self-awareness and introspection can curb a lot of unhelpful impulses.

3. Get rid of temptation!

You know those spam emails from your favourite store? They pop up in your inbox, promising a whopping 20% off summer shorts? So hard not to click… (Or any time there’s chocolate in the house – good luck, Emily’s self-control.) It’s much harder to exercise self-control when temptation is right in front of you. Do you always end up in the same unhealthy situation (e.g. sick with a stomach full of chocolate and a new pair of shorts)? Notice your triggers. If you can avoid it from the start, it saves a lot of mental stress later on.

4. Never go to the supermarket hungry

On the topic of chocolate-gorging triggers – I’ve learnt to never go to the supermarket hungry. I always reach for the unhealthy snacks. (Read: chocolate). In that same vein, do something that fills up your mental energy bucket before events that you know will tax you.

5. Cut and combine debts

The first debts to tackle are the small ones you can pay off fast. They’ll give you the momentum to move forward. Next are the ones with the highest interest, which allow you to minimise wasted dollars. If you’re able to combine your loans, it helps you feel more in control. If you want to stop spending money you don’t have, you could cut up your credit cards and use cash instead. (Sorry for the actual financial advice – but it’s the same with mental debts). Is there a bunch of stuff you’re avoiding? Is it taking a toll on your mental health, causing knock-on effects in the rest of your life? Are you spending mental currency you don’t have, and then not paying yourself back? I know it’s hard and uncomfortable, but the sooner you work on paying off debts, the sooner you can gain control.

6. Do your research before you invest – but definitely invest

Look, I’m forever salty that I didn’t invest in Bitcoin when I first heard of it in 2012. But that doesn’t matter now. Cryptocurrency seems a little too risky and shady for my taste anyway. I did some research and invested in sustainable ETFs. They select stocks that pass a certain ethical standard. In real life, you have a choice of who and what to invest your mental currency in. You’ve got to know who to trust (there are some dodgy advisors out there). You also have to select ones you like and gel with. That takes time and effort. Yes, there’s always risk involved. There will always be a market crash. But you can’t grow your wealth unless you somehow invest. In other words, you gotta be in it to win it. Invest in life.

7. Diversify your assets and spread your risk

On that note, it’s always a good idea to diversify your assets so that if one thing crashes you don’t lose it all. Don’t invest all your money in one chocolate company (delicious, but bad for you). You could invest in many chocolate companies. Or, the marketing company that makes the chocolate ads. Invest in the Chocolate Appreciation Society (dunno why it’s listed on the stock market). Then invest in bread and also dogs. It’s the same with your support system. You need more than one confidante. You might have a support group, a community, a best friend, a therapist, a GP, a psychiatrist, a pet. Then there are books, apps, music and hobbies. A daily routine, a self-care ritual, walks in nature, memes, and so on and so forth.

8. Be grateful for the simple things in life (it’s what makes you happy)

You don’t need to save up for that expensive car, holiday or chocolate factory to finally be happy. Collect little rituals and do free things that give you joy, and you can have that feeling many times a day. It’s the same feeling, honest. I find joy in drinking a cup of tea, sharing smiles with babies, and making endless music playlists. Oh, and also chocolate! All without the expense of an expensive plane ticket from Australia to anywhere.

9. Have some savings goals and a future vision

So what are you actually saving for? All that money has to be for something. My financial goal is to have financial freedom and live off my investments. Then I can spend time working on my passion: being a world-famous chocolatier. Now what about mental wealth goals? When I was young, I suffered from debilitating social phobia. But I worked hard on my social confidence. I wanted to achieve my personal and career goals without my fears inhibiting me. I wanted to help others in the way that I needed, but never had. (That’s a story for another post). But here I am, I’ve gotten way further than I ever thought I’d get, and I’m using this platform to make a difference.

10. Don’t be an amateur day trader; don’t get swayed by market panic

Obsessing over tiny changes in market volatility is exhausting and time-consuming. Plus, over a few decades you don’t win out over the people who invest and forget and let compound interest do its thing. This is all to say, don’t sweat the small stuff. There are always going to be tiny bumps in your day, but it’s how you respond to them that count. Even if there are big bumps – the trajectory of the stock market has always gone up over the long term. You’ll recoup that loss. Hold onto your blue chip stocks. The economy is cyclical and you’ll live through a few recessions. If you’ve got a life philosophy and a long-term plan, then don’t panic – you’ll win out in the end.

11. Get a side hustle

Diversify your income streams. Write that ebook, drive for uber or deliver pizza. Extra points if your side hustle hits one of your secret passions – if you’re lucky it can become your day job. Diversifying your mental income? Find a volunteer position, a creative hobby, or whatever else your soul loves.

12. Know what to splurge and save on

Splurge: mattresses. Save: random micro trends. Invest your mental currency in things that add the most value to your life. Things like healthy relationships, fulfilling activities, good quality sleep. Save on things like those “friends” who are fun to hang out with but would never be there for you when you need them. They’re not important.

13. Use a reusable water bottle (and reduce cognitive dissonance)

A reusable bottle is better for the environment and my wallet but also my brain. Any time I buy anything with single-use plastic (usually out of convenience), I get eco-guilt. I value caring for the environment but my priorities aren’t aligning. Cognitive dissonance is mentally taxing. Take a look at your values, and your habits. See where there are discrepancies. Make some changes. You can save yourself a heck of a lot of subconscious mental distress. (To the boba drinkers out there for whom this is a thing too – you can buy reusable boba cups too!)

14. Pay yourself and treat yo’ self

You’re the CEO of your life, so make sure you pay yourself. Treat yourself with kindness and love. No real money necessary.

15. Start making regular investments for your future

It’s never too late or early to start investing in your future – whether it’s financial or personal. Some people are waiting for the next stock market crash to dump a massive lump sum in there. But we have no idea when this crash will happen. It could be next month or in 2 years time, and in the meantime you’re missing out on potential gains. The best method is to make regular payments so that you can benefit long term, and put some extra in when it’s down. It’s the same with getting support. Don’t wait until you’ve hit a crisis, or after exam season when you have “more time” (but less stress), because then it’s too late. The best way to handle a crisis is to prevent it. Keep checking in – whether that’s with your therapist, doctor, or a trusted mentor.

16. Find some ingenious saving hacks

Some people save all their $5 notes. Some round up all their bank transactions and invest the difference. You can apply this in life – for example – set up an app to save happy photos or a box for cute notes from friends. Make a reminder to write down one thing you’re grateful for every night. When you need a little pick-me-up, you can go into your stash and remind yourself of the good times. I started an annual survey for myself in 2010. Every October I answer my questions about my life and goals at that point. It’s an amazing way to see how I’ve grown over the past ten years.

17. Change banks for the best rates, set and forget

This year, I realised I was getting pitiful interest on my bank account. There are heaps of snazzy new zero-fee-high-interest online banks out there. So I made the switch. It’s like receiving free money. Then I set up automated transfers to make life easier. Who knew banking could be so fun!? Sometimes there’s a possible big transition that would make life so much easier. The hard part is sitting down and getting it done. Do it. You’ll thank yourself later.

18. Learn how to meal prep some delicious and nutritious lunches for work

This is the ultimate in self-care and financial savvy. It feels so good to eat something healthy, hearty and cheap that I’ve made. I don’t do this enough but I’m going to make it a priority this year.

19. Don’t beat yourself up about buyers’ remorse

Sometimes you buy a thing, and then you question your life choices. It’s easy to beat yourself up about things you’ve done. Of course, it made sense at the time, or else you wouldn’t have done it. We all make mistakes. The only thing you can do now is to learn from it. In the future you won’t buy the metre long soft toy shark from Ikea despite being a grown adult with no children. (JK, no regrets.)

20. Life changes are hard, so get a buddy

My best friend is a straight-talking sort of person who has been my rock for 16 years. She knows me better than anyone (and knows how fickle I am in doing what I say I will). She’s seen me grow from that quiet girl to the crazy people-loving extroverted introvert I am today. (Change is hard for her. She’s working on adjusting.) My friends from home remind me of who I am at my core and how far I’ve come. My new friends give me the opportunity to explore new possibilities. No matter who it is, we usually spend too much money on good food (it’s worth it) or eating too much chocolate (also worth), and then I convince everyone to do karaoke (hey, let’s do karaoke!). Even if we have no money left, good friends are the best sorts of wealth.

Disclaimer: I’m not a financial advisor, so take my unqualified financial advice with a grain of salt! Say you’re not on a liveable income or are in a financial crisis. This article may not be immediately applicable to you. The same goes for mental health crises. That’s ok! Take care of the emergencies first.

About the Author

Emily Wong

Em is a 26-year-old Aussie doctor and future psychiatrist. Her passion is integrating the arts into mental health advocacy, education and practice. Em is an adventurous introvert, art gallery enthusiast and karaoke fiend. Most importantly, she LOVES DOGS.

By: Michelle Yang
Below is a guest post that originally appeared on Michelle’s blog:

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years living with bipolar disorder, it’s that everyone’s different in how we struggle and cope. Every person responds to medications differently and can have greatly varied symptoms. As a peer living with bipolar disorder, here are some things that have helped me find everyday wellness:

Seek treatment. See medical providers. Is it a psychiatrist for medication, therapist, or just a primary healthcare doctor? Often a team is needed, but however you feel supported, it is so important to seek ongoing care. I’ve learned this the hard way. If I neglect making appointments when I’m well and busy, it is so hard to get in to see providers when I do need help. Finding good providers who will advocate for you is much more challenging than one would expect, but also absolutely vital.
Always take medication. Always. Traveling to different time zones or camping? I set an alarm on my phone for when to take my meds. I also avoid all other drugs, including caffeine, alcohol and anything recreational. These can prevent medications from working appropriately or interfere with sleep cycle.
Get enough sleep. To me, getting enough sleep is just as important as seeking treatment and taking meds. If I don’t get enough sleep for several consecutive days, it the first sign that something’s wrong. When traveling across time zones, I give myself extra time to adjust.
Nurture a support network. Invest in friendships and relationships. Often I will not feel like leaving the house, but in general, if I’m well enough, I make a point to show up for others when it counts. I would like people to show up for me, so it’s only fair.
Attend support groups. NAMI and other support groups can be very helpful and are free of cost. It’s invaluable to have a safe space where everyone knows exactly what I’m going through to prevent feeling alone in a society with so much stigma. There are some online support group options as well. I don’t find these to be as effective as in person meetings, but they can still be a good resource.
Build a routine. I find having a routine tremendously helpful. This is one of the reasons I enjoy working, as it provides a built-in structure and a sense of productivity. I also appreciate the social interaction with other adults built it in a job.
Leave home at least once a day, even if it’s just to take a walk. Something about getting out, breathing the fresh air and being under the open sky helps me avoid depression.
Turn on the lights. It’s so simple, but I find warm-toned, bright lights to be instantly mood-lifting. I need my home and work space both to be bright.
Avoid triggers. Loud background noises like fans or sports games on TV can make me anxious. I only recently learned about the link between bipolar disorder and hypersensitivity I excuse myself when I need to or turn off these noises as soon as possible.
Find inspiration. I love to paint and draw. Having my work up around the house reminds me of more productive times if I’m feeling down on myself, my creations serve as silent pep-talks. Photos I love of family, friends and pets do the same thing in my living and work space.
Set boundaries. I have a breaking point, everyone does. It’s my job to know what that is and to set appropriate boundaries. Sometimes I need to remove stresses or even people from my life to protect myself. This can be very difficult. We are working against a lifetime of conditioning and a strong sense of obligation and responsibility, but self-care must come first.
Be kind to myself. I need reminders to be compassionate with myself and to stop the negative self talk. It’s so easy to fall down a spiral of believing everyone hates me, that I’m a failure and a fraud. I suffer from impostor syndrome. To combat this, I consciously think of examples of positive interactions with people to remind myself they don’t hate me. Similarly, I force myself to list out my achievements and productivity to not feel like a failure. It takes so much effort, but it is one of my most important coping skills.

Do you have any coping skills that I didn’t cover? Please share.

About the Author

Michelle Yang is on a personal mission to show the world one can live well with bipolar disorder. Tired of the stigma, she is empowered to humanize and normalize mental health illnesses as just another part of the human condition. She recently quit her coveted corporate job to write and advocate for mental health wellness. Michelle has a memoir-in-progress and her articles have been featured on InStyle, HuffPost, Mochi Magazine, and HelloGiggles. Learn more by following her on Facebook and Instagram or check out her blog at livingwellhappily.com.

By: Jed Chun

I wanted to touch on an issue that I’ve seen pop up a lot in Subtle Asian Mental Health: Parents and Families. This seems to be a very common topic that plays a large part in many of the stories that people have shared, often negatively, as major contributors to the development of many mental health issues. As many have pointed out, parents/relatives/families (from here on out PRFs), often cause a great deal of anguish and contribute greatly to our experiences of depression, anxiety, etc. For many it has taken the form of a wide range of abuse, often misnomered as “for our own good.” I want to focus specifically on the PRFs that “mean well,” but fail to communicate it clearly to us. I hope this not misinterpreted as being parent apologist propaganda as I do not want to invalidate anyone’s experiences, but from everything I’ve read, I wanted to make a few comments to help make sense of some of these experiences.

Asian Intergenerational Trauma

If you’re reading this, it is likely that you’re also part of the Asian Diaspora – the scattering of (Asian) people from their homelands to different parts of the world – and that your PRFs were/are immigrants. When they migrated, they brought with them their widely accepted customs and cultures into a new country, where they became the minority, and passed along some of those generational beliefs things onto us. As a result, their offspring (us) share very similar experiences, such as racism, exclusion, and questions of self-identity and belonging, and perhaps more recently, uniqueness and unity; the “Asian- (insert current nationality here) experience.” Yet, while we bond over memes, language jokes, and boba, we seemingly have very different experiences and views compared to our PRFs.

Many of us, consciously or unconsciously/learned or unlearned, seem to bask in the ideals of individualism, independence, and democracy (or socialism) carried by the wings of capitalism into a better life than our PRFs grew up in. Whereas many of them continue to carry with them their Eastern (sometimes Confucian) ideals of collectivism, filial piety, and family first governance. We often find ourselves in the middle of these two ideals, having been influenced largely by our parents, while growing up in a culture that approaches things very differently. We experienced some of these differences in very tangible ways like being stuck at home practicing piano/doing homework while the other kids played outside. Or helping with the family business while other kids went home to eat snacks and watch afternoon cartoons. Or being forced to go to family gatherings with our annoying relatives and babysitting our cousins. Or Saturday mornings dedicated to (insert Asian language here) school and other structured activities. I bet many of you wondered, “Why can’t I just be ‘normal’?” That same sentiment continues to manifest itself in our lives. I see it in our stories, I feel it in our pain. It hovers like a dark cloud over the ways that we now reflect on our experiences of mental health and suffering as a result of the shame, neglect, abuse, and other underhanded tactics that our PRFs used/continue to use to try and reinforce their views as one of preeminence in our lives. Some of us try to scrub out the “abnormal,” others of us feel like they can’t escape it, and others simply embrace it as part of their existence, yet the thought remains:

“Why, can’t I just be normal?”

I don’t think there’s a short answer to this. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that most of our PRFs have/had no point of reference of Western positive role models, individual emotional needs, and child discipline that we were educated in. Or, maybe it’s something else – something deeper.

If you take the time to think about it, we’re not that far removed from events like the Vietnam War, Korean War, Rape of Nanjing, the Cultural revolution, European colonization, internment camps, Hiroshima/Nagasaki, Khmer Rogue and countless other atrocities. The reality is that many of PRFs have experienced trauma, heck immigrating itself can be traumatic. Our PRF’s also experienced the racism we did. Imagine for a second coming here, not knowing the language and having to start over from scratch, dealing with culture shock and identity loss, then compound that with the stoicism and importance of family that comes with Eastern thought. Perhaps it may start to become more clear that the irrational things that they do, are their own attempts at managing their trauma. Collectively we need to all be aware of these expressions of transgenerational trauma.

Some of the patterns they observed in Holocaust survivors and the way they interacted with their children may sound familiar to us: Indirect communication, secrets and silence, terrifying world view/attempts to anticipate disaster, lack of sense of belonging, guilt/victimization/submission, fear of external identifiers.

One that resonates most with me, and in the posts I’ve read, is the experience as Asian-(insert current nationality here)s is the terrifying world view. How often have we been berated about getting into a good school? Getting a certain kind of job? How often have concerns about our safety been the primary argument? Have you noticed how many of those jobs are often described as stable, well-paying, and respectable?

So much of our “subtle asian” identity was set into place so that we might have the social and economic resources be able to ride out the storms of economic, political, and social uncertainty – the traumas that our PRFs experienced that they did not want to pass unto us. Unfortunately, they ended up passing it onto us because they didn’t learn how to model it any other way.

One question I’m sure that plagues everyone is: How do we move forward?

We and our PRFs have been marginalized, excluded, and traumatized; we’ve hurt and been hurt by each other, so often that it feels so, familiar. So, “normal”. But, trauma shouldn’t be “normal,” but for so many of us, it’s our reality – and it is intrinsically tied to our identities as immigrants and/or the children of immigrants. Like I said before, none of these revelations can excuse or can justify the things we’ve experienced from our PRFs and we will have to continue to deal with that. But, we have something that our PRFs do not: the privilege of knowledge, research, and self-actualization.

So, what will we do with it? I feel like there are two paths. For some, they will vow to put their (and their PRFs’) trauma behind them and start fresh, taking what we know, what works, and avoiding the same mistakes in the future. The second path is to use this information to understand the previous generations and our PRFs’ so that we can begin to have the conversation about trauma, and maybe, one day we can overcome the traumas that ail us. Let’s not forget, we’re here because we all have a unique, Asian-(insert your nationality here) experience. It might be one that is ridden with trauma, but it is one that we can heal, together.

If you would like to read more about transgenerational trauma here are a few places to start:

Trauma Affecting Asian-Pacific Islanders in the San Francisco Bay Area

Trauma and Well-Being among Asian American Women

The Effect of Trauma Transmission: Psychosocial Development of Second-Generation Southeast Asian American College Students

Rachel Yehuda How Trauma and Resilience Cross Generations

How Trauma Is Carried Across Generations

About the Author

JED CHUN

Jed is a Marriage Family Therapist from California. He spends most of his time managing the Asian Mental Health Collective, and Asian Mental Health Professionals Facebook groups as well as this website. Some will say he’s just “here for the ride,” but we know that he’s passionate about tearing down the stigma associated with Asian mental health. When he’s got extra time you’ll likely find him eating, cooking, learning, and traveling, or simultaneously doing all of the above.